


Preemptive Strike

by FakePlastikTrees



Category: Damages
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-05
Updated: 2013-11-05
Packaged: 2017-12-31 14:35:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1032818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FakePlastikTrees/pseuds/FakePlastikTrees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ellen tries to figure out her relationship with Patty without letting outsider views cloud her judgement.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Preemptive Strike

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the prompt: [[Patty's not ready yet to come out and go public with Ellen? Extra points for angsty/jealousy situation leading to smut ;)]] This prompt is about year old, probably older than that. I have suffered through the longest case of writer's block with this fic and it's taken me that long to finish writing it. There are a lot of things that I am not completely pleased with and was unable to pinpoint why, therefore, minor glitches are still there, but I hope that the anonymous person that requested it is pleased :)

At Hewes & Associates it ever truly only felt quiet under peculiar circumstances.

Surely, pleasuring Patty from under her desk at lunch time qualified under the category of scenarios that made the office seem as if it echoed like a museum.

The older woman tightened her grip on either armrest of her chair, her knuckles whitening with the force of it. Her breath hitched and her chest heaved with a controlled exertion that was strictly required for the occasion. She breathed carefully through her nose, allowing herself no more than a single initial moan she quickly got under control seconds ago.

Ellen hummed pleasantly, causing Patty’s hips to jot forward involuntarily, her release approaching. It clearly alarmed the older woman, her thighs tensed immediately, even as her heart beat faster and her hips swiveled to the rhythm Ellen set.

Ellen shifted on her knees against the mark the carpet was leaving on her skin. Patty’s hand touched the back of her head gently and glancing upward, Ellen realized, it was to keep her from bumping against the desk. The younger woman smiled and purposely raked her nails against Patty’s inner thighs, just once, forcing a quiet grunt out of the woman.

Ellen massaged Patty’s thighs then, easing her into some level of relaxation. Soon, she felt her shudder and gasp, returning her hand to the armrest, leaving Ellen’s hairdo unaffected by the drawn out orgasm Ellen got a thrill from.

Patty exhaled heavily through her mouth, gently easing Ellen away with a hand on the brunette’s cheek.

Sitting back, and ignoring the pinching on her knees, Ellen hunched under the desk and wiped her chin clean, licking her lips with a smile up at Patty, who glared down on her in return, an unthreatening action when the blonde sported flushed cheeks and was just now regaining composure.

“Patty?”

Ellen winced at the sound of Tom’s approaching footsteps as Patty quickly sat up in her seat and pushed her chair in as deep is as she could without hitting Ellen in the face with her knees. From there, Ellen had a peek up Patty’s skirt. She didn’t mind much.

Thinking quickly, Ellen briefly touched Patty’s ankle, which was currently hooked into the blonde’s underwear.

“Yes, what?” Patty said brusquely, lifting her foot for Ellen to sweep the underwear off the floor and into her pocket.

Tom slowed down as he approached Patty, with caution now, he wasn’t sure to what he owed the pleasure of this particular tone but he knew her long enough now to know when to tread lightly.

“We--I have two case I think you’d be interested in, want to check them out? Let me know what you think?”

“Sure, yes,” Patty replied dismissively, fearing Tom may be frowning at her because he may know exactly what was going on.

“You okay, Patty? You seem flushed.”

“Fine.” She replied quickly, desperately trying to not glance down at the grin she already knew was displayed on Ellen’s face. “Just busy.”

“Okay,” Tom said, offered a smile and threw up his hands as he walked back towards the door, “They’re great cases, check ‘em out.”

Patty smiled tightly and sighed her annoyance once Tom had gone. She pushed her chair back and raised her brow at Ellen, a clear petition for the younger woman to emerge.

Ellen moved slowly, perched on Patty’s knees as she lifted herself off the floor, she dropped a kiss on the blonde’s cheek. “Don’t look at me like that. My knees are killing me, at least you got off.”

“If you want to spend your lunch not eating, that’s your problem,” Patty said, regretting the comment immediately once Ellen looked over her shoulder with a teeth baring smile, heading for the door.

“Not eating?” Ellen said, pulling the door open, “You’re the one who skipped lunch.”

Ellen didn’t have to look back to know Patty was smiling behind her.

She felt confident the rest of the day. She felt light on her feet and after a quick stop by the ladies room to rinse her mouth, she headed back to her own office, hoping her heightened attitude and overall good mood would will the universe to send some new clients her way.

The unpredictability of a new business seemed more tolerable when Ellen could indulge herself in a long lunch with Patty, an additional treat was getting the older woman to do something she wouldn’t normally agree to, sex in her office during business hours being one of those things.

She took a cab the first fifteen minutes, which she spent paying bills on her phone and finally sending Patty an e-mail in which she proposed dinner and drinks, and perhaps dessert. She didn’t receive an immediate response. She wouldn’t and Ellen knew better, but she didn’t expect a ‘no’.

Traffic stopped completely and after securing that the weather wasn’t terrible for a walk, she paid the driver and got out, walking the remaining eight blocks with a smile on her face in spite of her less than comfortable shoes.

Something had shifted in her world in the past year, having taken a big step toward owning her own firm and a gigantic terrifying leap toward becoming Patty Hewes’s lover, she waited for something to go wrong so that she could master some grace in handling it, but so far so good.

Even though she knew that once she entered her single unit office, there would be no noise like the chaotic environment at Patty’s, there would be no phones ringing off the hooks--not yet. She would be done four-thirty and she would have time to go home, grab a shower and get ready for dinner later.

She figured she might as well enjoy it now, because she didn’t expect it or wouldn’t allow it to go on this way longer than a year.

She whistled some unnamed tune as she fished her keys out of her pocket, rounding the corner to her office before spotting Katie waiting outside the building with what appeared to be lunch in a large plastic container.

“Hey!”

Katie turned and smiled, holding up the blue Tupperware. “I brought you lunch, I almost left.”

“Oh, that’s so sweet of you,” Ellen kissed Katie’s cheek and proceeded to punch in the code for the door, “I was at Patty’s.”

“I guess you already ate,” Katie replied smartly, following as Ellen pushed the door open and let them both in.

Opting to ignore the dig, Ellen followed straight through to the elevator. “Why didn’t you buzz another office?”

“What was the point if you weren’t here? I really wasn’t that long, I lied.”

Katie had become Ellen’s best friend, if she’d ever had one it would be Katie. She was caring and understanding and tried not to judge very much when Ellen told her about Patty. Plus, Katie was in a really good place and claimed it would help her to have someone dysfunctional in her life.

Upstairs, Ellen didn’t bother with the lights until they reached her office at the far end of the floor space, the only room not yet unpacked.

Setting the container down on Ellen’s desk, Katie looked around the room and frowned at the walls, “I don’t like this color.”

“Oh--” Ellen replied, taking a seat behind the desk and turning her nose up as she reached in her top drawer for something, “--yeah, me either. That’s why I have--swatches.” A large swatch book was dropped with a flop on the desk top, open towards the middle with the blues.

Katie’s eyes smiled as she leaned over and looked on with interest, a soft pastel catching her eye before she pointed at it with her index finger, “I like this one.”

“Me, too.”

It was quiet as Katie proceeded to pull two paper plates from her tote bag and plastic forks before serving them both a hearty piece of lasagna each.

“So, how is Patty?”

Ellen glanced at the blonde over a bite of still warm lasagna and smirked as she chewed, knowing fully well that as understanding as Katie was, the whole Patty thing was still something she was getting used to and right now, she was just being polite.

“She’s fine.”

“And how is her--office--work--her office work?”

“Katie, what do you really want to ask?”

Katie chewed thoughtfully, physically planning her next move before setting her plate and fork down on the desk and leaning forward as if she was about to spill a secret. “Okay, really? Are you ready for this? Because I don’t think you are.”

“I’m ready.”

“I guess my question is--what are you two exactly? Is she your girlfriend? What’s the deal? You’ve been sleeping together for--what? A year now? And you never bring her around, no one knows her, we’re not allowed to mention her--is it a secret?”

“It’s not a secret--” Ellen said, shaking her head, setting her food aside in favor of a water bottle she pulled from the small fridge behind her chair, “--it’s been nine months, and you’re allowed to mention her, we just--don’t talk about it.”

“You don’t ’talk’ about it? What does that even mean?”

“We’re--” Ellen sighed, momentarily searching the ceiling for clarity, “--having sex, we enjoy each other’s company, it is what it is. We’re adults and adults don’t put time aside to talk about whether or not we’re ’girlfriends’--” The air quotes over the last word made her cringe a little at herself and Ellen shrugged, “--I mean, do you do that?”

“Yes,” Katie exclaimed, wide eyed, “Maybe adults don’t ask if they’re going steady but they sure as hell talk about whether or not it’s a relationship after ten months--”

“Nine months.”

“--nine months of sex. You’re going to tell me you don’t wonder?”

“Well, I doubt she’s seeing anyone else, and I’m not seeing anyone else, so I assume that means we’re together.”

“Really? You’re sure?”

“Yes.” Ellen said, not very sure at all.

“Does she hold your hand in public? Does she kiss you? Hug you? Try to grab your ass--”

“Well, no. We’re not fifteen years old.”

As Ellen swiped her tongue against her cheek, Katie glared.

“Enough with the ’adult’ bullshit, okay? We both know full grown adults like that stuff too and I can tell by your condescending response that no, as a matter of fact, she doesn’t hold your hand and probably doesn’t even take you out on dates.”

“We go out. We have dinner all the time.”

“She holds you hand?”

Ellen glared.

“Don’t give me that look, Ellen, you know that shit is important. Especially during serious PMS situations.”

Suddenly void of her appetite, Ellen ran her tongue across the back of her teeth. If she concentrated, she could still taste Patty and she wondered what the blonde’s reaction would be to this particular conversation. She imagined some laughter and perhaps a violently cruel remark that would brush off the entire thing altogether.

“You’re coming to my birthday party, right?” Katie asked.

When Ellen looked up, she noticed a peculiar look on her friend’s face and realized she’d been talking while Ellen momentarily left the conversation.

“What? Yes! Of course I’m--going to your birthday party.”

“Right. So, bring her.”

“What?”

“Bring Patty. Bring your ‘girlfriend’. It’s about time she meets everybody.”

“Everybody” were Katie’s friends. All of them. All of her clean and sober friends anyway. And ever since Ellen alienated all of her high school and college friends when David died, “everybody” had become the acquaintances she frequented. She used to be better at making friends, Ellen. People would gravitate toward her without much of an effort. Until college was over and until David died and until she and Patty happened in spite everything that went on between them. Then, making friends didn’t really sit high on Ellen’s priority list, so allowing Katie to pull her into her inner circle was just easy and hassle free.

“Listen, I’ve got to go. I was supposed to take twenty minutes and it’s been forty, so--” Katie said, standing and heading for the door before Ellen could even get up.

“Oh, okay.”

Katie waved Ellen back into her seat as she walked away, “I know the way. Bring her!”

Minutes after Katie had gone, Ellen drummed her fingers atop her desk and briefly, an image of herself and Patty walking into Katie’s crowded house, hand in hand, breezed by her and she snorted a laugh into the empty office, blushing suddenly before covering her face with one hand and groaning into it. She wondered if Patty would hate her too much for making her go to this thing at Katie’s.

At that, her phone chirped. Patty’s ‘yes’ to dinner.

************

Patty changed her clothes before dinner.

Ellen noticed as the blonde made her way through the restaurant once directed to their table, where Ellen sat waiting.

“Hello,” Ellen greeted Patty, and received a chaste kiss on the cheek.

“Hi, I’m sorry I’m late.”

“You look nice.” Ellen gave Patty the once over even as she poured a glass of red for the older woman. The shirt and skirt from earlier that day had been replaced by a charcoal knee length dress with three quarter sleeves and a low neckline that was borderline scandalous.

Patty looked down upon herself and rolled her eyes, shaking her head briefly as she took her glass from Ellen, “Thank you. I spilled tea on myself so I went home to change.”

“Awe, for me?”

Patty smirked and sent Ellen a telling glance.

The brunette’s insides churned with nerves, so rather than wait for the tension to eat her inside out, she cleared her throat and opened her mouth, “Patty?”

“Hmm?”

“Katie’s birthday is this weekend and she’s having a little--thing at her apartment. Do you want to come with me? I don’t really want to go but I told her I would and, if it’s terrible, you’ll at least be my way out.”

“Sure.” Patty replied, quickly. Too quickly and off handedly as she eyeballed the menu.

Ellen felt light once more. She breathed and sat back comfortably in her seat. “Okay, great.”

Dinner flew by, with dessert and a wine induced game of footsy that Patty seemed to quite enjoy.

Walking out the restaurant, and feeling the effects of a few drinks in the form of bold bravery, Ellen reached for Patty’s hand and felt instantly sober when the blonde casually pulled her hand back as soon their fingers grazed. She brushed her hair back and looked around the darkened street with an air of disinterest, walking half a block before realizing Ellen was a few feet behind her. Upon stopping to look over her shoulder, Patty frowned and dared to look impatient.

“What’s the matter?”

Her tone put a glitch on Ellen’s dreary and sudden down-in-the-dumps attitude and she quickly caught up to Patty and firmly demanded and answer.

“Why did you pull away from me just now?”

“I didn’t,” Patty replied quickly, seemingly devoid of any guilt and making Ellen feel as if she’d imagined the whole thing. “I have the limo, you want a ride?”

There was a gleam in the blonde’s eyes, one Ellen recognized all to well, and while the young attorney wanted very much to make some things clear, the indication in the older woman’s stare made her body react in the most inopportune manner, so much so she found herself nodding her head ’yes’ as she proceeded to lead the way towards and then into Patty’s limo.

Patty took a call as soon as the vehicle began to move and while Ellen could hear the other woman, she did not listen. Instead, she thought about a way to bring this up again, should she invite Patty up for a drink? Should she bring it up now? By the time she managed herself out of her head the tinted partition had been pulled up and Patty had tossed her phone back inside her purse, and was now staring thoughtfully over at Ellen. Her elbow was rested against the car door while her thumb and index finger cradled her temple, and she breathed easily a few times at meeting Ellen’s gaze before beckoningly patting the empty space between them.

Ellen moved gingerly but without hesitation, the leather creaked underneath the shifted weight and she sighed once finding her side pressed against Patty’s.

There were times years ago, when Patty’s gaze intimidated Ellen. She felt it overpower her and attempt to tame her, bend her to the older woman’s will, and for a while Ellen had fought against it, then yielded to it before finding a balance, where she could allow herself to be overpowered without being overwhelmed. Now, she fell easily into that intense blue stare and gave something back of her own.

Ellen smiled briefly, her lips parting in a quiet puff of air when Patty’s hand casually cupped Ellen’s knee, rubbing the inner side with her thumb and then sliding her hand smoothly up Ellen’s thigh, wasting no time in preparing the brunette before she pushed the thin strip of damp fabric passing for Ellen’s underwear aside and swiftly coaxed the slick moisture along the slit, teasing for just a moment until Ellen felt her hips slide against the seat and spread her legs.

Ellen wished she could find the strength to do anything other than gasp as Patty stroked her clit, but it would take every ounce of self control to keep from embarrassing them both in the presence of Patty’s driver. Patty stroked faster, her middle finger single mindedly working around Ellen’s clitoris with practiced precision, pressing the pad of her finger against the base of it and rubbing around in in torturous circles until Ellen’s hands gripped the car seat by the fistfuls and the leather protested loudly in the otherwise quiet car.

Patty’s nostrils seemed to flare and she licked her lips. Ellen swallowed a groan, the peak of pink tongue almost pornographic given the situation. She came quickly, shaking and holding back every oral exclamation she hoped she only uttered in her mind, her head swimming with the smell of her own arousal--and possibly Patty’s as well--in the small compartment.

Slowly, Patty removed her hand from inside Ellen’s skirt and wiped them clean or licked them clean, Ellen couldn’t see much from behind her eyelids, all she could concentrate on was the way her heart beat like a drum, the way her legs and arms tingled--and the car coming to a stop.

Looking up and out the window, Ellen didn’t see her building, instead, she saw Patty’s and for a an instant, the brunette felt lost.

“Is this okay?”

Ellen turned towards Patty and smiled--her cheeks still warm--and nodded, “Yes.”

In the elevator, Ellen kissed Patty against the wall, she tasted red wine and Ellen felt drunk, she tasted herself and felt a thrill, and as she arched her back and pressed herself tightly against the blonde and nipped the woman’s bottom lip, Ellen tasted what was left of Patty’s lipstick, and underneath, just the fleshy pout, which Ellen got her fill of, promising herself she’d stop once they entered Patty’s apartment, once Patty would be in her comfort zone so she wouldn’t feel attacked.

They were both breathless by the time they landing stopped and Patty groaned in protest when Ellen reluctantly pulled herself away.

Ellen quickly realized that in hindsight, her plan could have worked perfectly. If Patty hadn’t grabbed her, if Patty hadn’t kissed her as soon as they made it inside her apartment. If Patty hadn’t kicked her shoes off and pulled her own dress up and over her head right there in the living room, Ellen wouldn’t have taken care of the rest and she wouldn’t have found herself on top of naked Patty, grinding her into a very expensive, very accommodating ottoman.

Patty groaned as Ellen kissed her neck and ground her hips down, the sweet, pleasure filled pressure forcing a grunt out of the brunette when she felt Patty’s leg slide against her side while her arms circled Ellen’s waist. And then Patty released a moan so soft that it sounded like relinquished control and Ellen saw her opportunity.

“Patty?” She licked the woman’s shoulder.

“Mmm,” Was Patty’s moaning retort.

“You want to come out with me this Saturday?” Ellen thrust her hips forward and Patty grunted. “It’s Katie’s birthday.”

“Oh--is this really the time, Ellen? Plus, I already said yes.” Patty panted.

And then Ellen stopped rocking her hips and lifted her head, smiling down on Patty, both breathless, one slightly more desperate than the other.

Dipping her head momentarily to nip at Patty’s collar bone, Ellen hummed against the heated freckled skin, relishing in the eager hands that pulled her closer with the tiniest bit of pressure on the small of her back before she lifted her head and reminded herself that Patty was now a compliant, demanding woman at the moment and it was now or never.

“Say you’ll come with me as my date and I promise--” She lowered her head once more and pressed her lips to Patty’s ear, her tone dropping when she continued, with a promising thrust of her hips that rubbed them both in the best way, “--you ‘will’ come.”

Patty seemed lose her self control along with her ability to speak. She rolled her head slowly against the ottoman with a deep, heavy sigh as her lips parted and her limbs wrapped tighter around Ellen.

The image alone, of Patty’s arched neck all flushed as she licked her lips, made Ellen almost come instantly, but she dug her fingers deeper into the fabric beneath their bodies and waited for the feeble nod of the blonde’s head before delivering her side of the bargain with satisfactory results.

Ellen didn’t spend the night and Patty didn’t argue. It was a weeknight after all and Ellen needed to be in the office earlier than usual to receive her new desk.

Patty’s driver took her home, and finding herself alone with her thoughts in the backseat, she wondered if Patty would find it in terrible taste if Ellen suggested they hold hands.

She felt like a nervous fifteen year old and she blamed Katie for it.

Heaving a sigh, Ellen used her index finger to wipe underneath her eye where she now realized there must have been a serious case of raccoon eyes, and mumbled incoherently out the window. She felt how tired she really was now and she knew she’d get home and fall asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow and that the following day, she should anticipate an unusually slow day without a single message from Patty.

She slept like a rock.

She dreamed of a dock. It appeared to be patty’s dock, except it was placed in the middle of the ocean and all around her, millions of daisies above the crystalline surface. It was a fantasy ocean, a perfect ocean, with no rocks or birds just a warm sun that wasn’t yet hot and a breeze that wasn’t yet cold. Ellen stood there, in a dress and a coat that smelled of Patty.

She looked beside her and the dock rocked atop the ocean waves, she looked behind her and called out for the other woman, but the dock seemed to go on forever with no resolution or destination. Ellen could sense Patty, she could smell her all around her, she knew that if she could just get to the end of the dock--

But there was no use.

She turned around and with the first step the wind began to howl and the waves became violent, thrashing against the dock which seemed to sway harder with every unbalanced step Ellen took. She called out again and gain but there was nothing, only the dock that wouldn’t let her move. Her heel became stuck between an old slab of wood and her ankle twisted painfully, knocking her swiftly off the dock and into the water, at which point Ellen awoke, startled and dry-mouthed, uncertain of what to make of the ludicrous dream.

Her heart raced as she clutched her pillow to her chest and she realized she should feel well rested, when instead, all she felt was a queasy uneasiness similar to motion sickness. She hoped it wasn’t a terrible sign. She hoped she’d get a grip an remember she once had a pretty good handle on Patty. Ellen could once upon a time get whatever she wanted out of the woman, surely it was still so, even if they were past all the manipulation.

She was out of bed and in the shower an hour before her alarm went off.

She chose a bright outfit that day. A nice green and white tee shirt dress with three quarter sleeves and a less than modest hemline. She’d bought it on impulse. It was altogether too expensive and she wondered when she would even get the chance to wear it but she figured that her confidence needed a boost and she chose to go without hose. She’d been running with Katie lately and her legs were looking good, and the white platform pumps she opted to wear would put the icing on the well toned cake. With one final glance in the mirror, Ellen smiled at herself and told herself she’d casually show up at Patty’s today to drop off lunch and test her luck and push her paranoia way to the backseat of the pathetic self pitying vehicle she’d suddenly boarded.

Her morning proved itself a lot busier than expected however.

The delivery of her desk was late. By hours. And her phone had been ringing off the hook, surely the referrals had a lot to do with Patty and very little to do with Ellen’s own reputation, but she would never ask the older woman as she would only deny her involvement. It was fine. If she wanted to do something nice, who was Ellen to deny her that? She only wished for a fair warning to at least finally hire a paralegal to assist in picking up the phone.

By noon, she had scheduled four appointments for the upcoming week, she’d called to confirm her desk be delivered after two but before six, and she’d called back a couple of possible associates to do all the heavy lifting for a while.

All in all, her ego definitely felt stroked and Ellen felt giddy. She decided on Chinese for lunch and placed an order for two to pick up on her way to Hewes & Associates. If there’s anything Patty would yield to if she decided she wouldn’t yield to Ellen, it was greasy Chinese food she allowed herself only once a month.

She needed to put that troubling dream behind her because all signs pointed to Patty being out of reach and Ellen was not one to be reduced to the clichéd American woman in her thirties, neurotic beyond salvation. No. She would bring herself over to Patty’s see that everything was fine and that Patty wasn’t at all regretting saying yes to Katie’s party and everything would be fine. Ellen would throw the fantastic notion away and realize there was nothing to worry about in the first place, and the rest of her week would proceed in beautiful fluidity.

Something shifted in the midst of the Tobin case, something like forgiveness that had grown from the root of Ellen’s pathos after David. No one would understand it, but Ellen and Patty were connected for life whether they liked it or not. Fortunately for them both, all the wavering that might have stopped them from pursuing anything in the past disappeared once Ellen had decided that her allegiance to Patty was about more than pissing off her boss.

Patty had been more hesitant than Ellen would have liked, though understandably so, and not uncharacteristically suspicious of Ellen’s true intentions. Patty had never been one to easily give into anyone’s lead beside her own, a fact not unknown to Ellen, which was why she was patient until she wasn’t and she’d decided to simply--kiss Patty, and kiss her often. It evolved from there.

“Ellen! What are you doing here?” Tom looked up from where he was sitting by the coffee table in the far side of Patty’s office, hunched over an obscene amount of paperwork that Ellen half envied, half anticipated with dread.

Holding up the bag of take out in her hand, she smiled, attempting to not seem as if she were obviously looking for Patty. “Thought I’d treat you guys to lunch. Where’s your boss?”

“She’s uh--oh she’s here.”

Patty strolled back into her own office with a fresh cup of tea in her hand and an unreadable expression.

“Hi.”

“Hello, Ellen. What a nice surprise.”

“Working lunch?” Ellen asked, shrugging her coat off after setting the food down in an empty spot on the table.

Patty eyed Ellen’s dress, particularly her legs, then sipped her tea before nodding, “Always.”

“Come on, Patty, not always.”

Having been rummaging through the food, Tom had missed the big reveal and upon glancing upward with an egg roll in his mouth, his eyes widened, “Wow, Ellen, you look nice. You’ve been working out?”

“Yes, actually! Thank you for noticing.”

Patty rolled her eyes and took a seat beside Tom.

“It’s kind of hard not to notice, you look--healthy.”

Ellen chuckled and Tom returned his attention to the chow mein under the scrutiny of Patty’s side death glare, before excusing himself to get plates.

As soon as he disappeared behind Patty’s door, the blonde looked over at Ellen and lifted her brow in amusement. “Laundry day?”

“What? You don’t like my dress?”

Patty did not answer and instead carefully sipped her tea as she gazed up at Ellen, keeping everything silent with the purpose of further teasing Ellen, and it worked like a charm.

Armed with a confidence only the unspoken challenge could provide, Ellen walked around the coffee table and stepped between it and Patty until their knees grazed.

“Don’t you have clients to see?”

Ellen tilted her chin downward and to the side with a grin, “Are you kicking me out?”

“You’re distracting me from my work.”

“Come over tonight.” Ellen said as she softly rubbed her knee to Patty’s thigh and then moved back a step, “I’ll bake for you.”

She turned to leave but before she could take another step, Patty took hold of Ellen’s hand and turned her back to face her. Glancing upward, the blonde leaned forward to set her tea mug down on the table and as she held Ellen’s hand, she took her heated palm and slid it across the back of the brunette’s knee, gently moving higher to tickle the much admired firm thigh.

Patty lightly fingered Ellen’s slit, drawing out a sigh.

“No underwear today?”

“I thought I’d save you the trouble,” Ellen replied with a gasp when Patty slipped one finger knuckle deep inside her, once, before slowly drawing it out and pulling her hand away. Shivering at loss of contact, and grinding her teeth to keep from making any embarrassing sound as Ellen glared down at the evil woman sitting before her. “You’re in trouble now.”

Patty’s grin turned up at one side as she took her tea back and sat back in her seat again. “We’ll see about that.”

“Hmm.” Ellen nodded and turned away, walking toward her coat on the other side of the table. She kept her back to Patty as she grabbed it and slipped it on. “Listen, I’m going to stop by somewhere to get Katie’s birthday present. Any ideas?”

She held her breath and waited, hearing Patty hum thoughtfully behind her before she finally replied confidently, “Maybe. If you wait until Friday, I can take you to a good place, you can get her a coffee brewer.”

Exhaling, Ellen turned back and smiled as she pulled her hair from her the collar of her jacket. “Okay, great. I’ll go then. Enjoy the food.”

“Enjoy the breeze.”

“Very funny,” Ellen said, got all the way to the door and then came quickly back to pick up an egg roll which she popped in her mouth before waving on her way out.

She didn’t run into Tom on her way out, and she received a call as she stepped off the elevator . The day flew by and in the evening, as she entered her apartment, her feet ached and she blamed the decision on the saucy shows. New York City was not spike heel friendly, no matter how much television glamorized it.

She checked her phone for the time, 8:30, and for any missed messages from Patty, zero.

Ellen sighed and kicked off her shoes at the door before dropping her purse on her way to the kitchen, where she gently dropped her phone on the counter and went in search of a cold beer in her fridge. Sometimes, a fancy, expensive bourbon would not do. Sometimes only a beer could cure exhaustion.

There was something about the bubbly, raspy feel of a cold brew swiftly making its way down the throat that made things so much better.

Coming up for air with half the bottle gone with just one long gulp, Ellen wiped a tiny droplet of light brew off her chin just as her phone began to vibrate about the counter.

“Can you make soufflé?”

Ellen smiled against the phone and leaned back against the counter edge. “No.”

“Then there is no point in you baking because that is what I was hoping you’d make.”

“Want to come over anyway for a drink?”

“I’m walking up to your door right now.”

“It’s unlocked.”

The front door opened, Patty walked inside and locked it behind her before making her way into the kitchen, where Ellen had just set her phone down and casually drank her beer.

“Why is your door unlocked? Do you have a death wish?”

“Beer?”

Patty took Ellen’s bottle, sending the brunette in search of a fresh one inside the refrigerator.

“I know why you came to the office today.”

Shit, Ellen thought, feeling an awful lot like a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar. But she couldn’t hide her head in the fridge all night, so she pulled a beer out and faced Patty with a bewildered grin, “What do you mean?”

“The same reason you were behaving strangely at dinner and the same reason you asked me to go with you to Katie’s.”

Smiling sheepishly, Ellen twisted the cap off the bottle and tossed it in the nearby garbage can, feeling Patty watch her pace around the kitchen.

“I think we both knew the time was going to come when--things needed to be addressed, and I’m willing to hear what you have to say, but I just need to tell you one thing--if you can please stop moving, you’re giving me Vertigo.”

Ellen stopped in the center of the room. “Sorry.”

“I am not ready go completely public. There are a lot of things I’m not comfortable with and I just hope that it is good enough for you.”

She seemed nervous. She pulled at the wrapping on the beer bottle, averted eye contact as much as possible and seemed smaller than Ellen had ever thought possible. Though, as much as Ellen wanted to put it all behind them and get Patty into her bed, they needed to be adults about it and discuss it.

“What does--what does that mean, exactly? Are you saying we’re not--together once we hit the sidewalk? I don’t understand.”

“Ellen, I like what we’re doing, I thought you did as well. I thought you understood--”

“And I thought we were in the same place but I was clearly wrong.”

“Listen, if you can’t agree to keeping this just between us, I’ll understand.”

Ellen grimaced. Suddenly, beer was bitter and she set it out of reach on the counter. “You’ll understand what? What does that mean? If I don’t want to hide, you want to end this? You wan to see other people?”

“If that’s what would make you happy, I can’t deny you it.”

“Why did you agree to coming with me to Katie’s then?”

“I want to go with you to Katie’s, I just wanted you to know where I stand.”

“Help me out here, Patty, because I’m a little confused. You don’t want to go public, but you don’t’ mind being my date for Katie’s birthday party?”

“It’s a small party, it’s not exactly the Met Gala.”

Ellen stared back, unknowingly shaking her head in confusion. She wished she could figure her out, this enigma of a woman who appeared as if she were having a simple conversation about the weather and not about a crucial misunderstanding in their relationship. Gradually, Ellen felt herself fall victim to Patty’s charms and slowly, her lips curled up into a smile before she dissolved into laughter, which she hid behind her hand for a moment before allowing both arms to fall limply at her sides. “What am I going to do with you?”

Giving a tiny shrug, Patty sipped her beer, then smacked her lips together before stating simply, “You’ve never had trouble figuring that out before.”

Ellen’s kitchen counter was used in the most perverse way that night and though she didn’t end up baking, the frosting in the refrigerator certainly was put to good use.

*************

The days leading up to the party were uneventful outside of work, mostly because work itself kept both women busy and there was no room for Patty to back out, and no room for Ellen to wonder if Patty was thinking of backing out.

Ellen’s mother called Friday afternoon while Patty had disappeared in search for the famous coffee/tea brewer.

“When will you come visit, honey? We haven’t seen you in two months.”

Ellen fingered a silk scarf hanging from the neck of a sharply dressed mannequin, half listening to her mother, half realizing the deep green of the fabric would compliment Patty’s skin tone perfectly.

“Elly, are you there?”

“Yeah, I’m here mom. I don’t know if I can come by this weekend, I have Katie’s birthday party tomorrow. Maybe next week?”

“Okay. Maybe we’ll invite Chris Sanchez over for dinner, you know he’s back in town. He’s so quiet, I can’t imagine what he’s been through, the poor boy. Still so good looking though, Elly, remember how crazy you were about him?”

“Mom, I don’t think that’s such a good idea--”

“Why not? You’re single, his mother says he’s single, you always made such a cute couple--”

“Mom, I’m really not interested, I’m--” Patty came into view ten feet ahead with a frightened seeming salesman hurrying behind her, “--too busy.”

“Found it,” Patty leaned in and whispered into Ellen’s bared ear, her hand grazing the small of the younger woman’s back.

Ellen smiled in spite of herself and shivered a little even as Patty moved past her. “I just opened the office and I have all these new clients, I really need to focus.”

“Well, how great can a successful business be if you’re alone, honey?”

Ellen pulled the scarf off the mannequin and sighed as she made her way towards the register, where Patty was now paying. “Maybe I’m not alone.”

“What do you mean you’re not alone? Are you seeing someone, Ellen? Who is he? When can I meet him?”

“Not yet, mom. Just--not yet. Listen I’ve got to go, I’ll speak to you soon okay?”

“Ellen--”

“Bye, mom.”

Coming up behind Patty, Ellen touched the blonde’s shoulder and briefly kissed her hair, “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“I’ll take this as well,” Ellen placed the scarf on the counter.

“All together?”

“Yes--”

“No.” Ellen playfully glared at Patty, then turned back toward the salesman. “I’m paying for this.”

“I’ll bring you another one, this is a display item.”

The man disappeared and Ellen bumped her shoulder softly against Patty’s. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“Did you just buy that for me?” Patty asked, pretending to still be putting her credit cards in order in her wallet.

“Yes. That a problem?”

“No.”

Ellen looked over at Patty, who only now looked back. There was something in the blue gaze that never failed to make Ellen want to open her mouth and devote herself completely to Patty’s cause, whatever it may be, to make promises she’d never made to anyone in her life--to babble on like a lovesick girl. She blushed instead, drawing out a smile from the older woman that was all knowing and smug.

“Shut up,” Ellen said quickly and hid her face in Patty’s arm until she felt Patty’s lips graze the top of her head and her hand cradle her cheek, and Ellen lifted her gaze, thinking nothing of leaning forward to steal a kiss. It was chaste and simple, and Patty seemed anxious for only a moment. It was perfect.

 

**************

They took a cab. Patty showed up in one and Ellen didn’t have to ask why. A stretch limo or town car would definitely attract more attention.

“We should have gotten a smaller brewer. I told that stupid salesman--”

“Don’t be nervous.”

Patty’s head turned sharply in Ellen’s direction then. She stared at the brunette as she’d just insulted her and Ellen regretted the statement instantly.

“I am not nervous.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry.”

“It’s just a birthday party, for god’s sake.”

Ellen dropped her head against the backrest and groaned. “It really is just a birthday party, Patty, so if you’re going to be this way the entire time, we can just turn around right now.”

“I’m sorry.”

Turning her head over at Patty, Ellen narrowed her eyes at the blonde and noticed the scarf hanging from her neck for the first time tonight. “I was right about that green.”

Patty smiled and fidgeted with the tail end of her scarf. They said nothing the rest of the way and Ellen didn’t attempt to make conversation.

 

**************************

Katie lived about fifteen minutes outside of the city. Though her Restaurant had really taken off, New York hadn’t really felt the same after losing her brother and owning her own business allowed for some freedom.

Her new place was a modest two bedroom with a big tree in the front yard that seemed to blanket the cottage like house with its imposing branches. The party leaked out of the house and onto the front porch with a few guests here and there trickling out for a cigarette.

Patty took Ellen’s hand as they walked through the front door. Ellen thought about addressing it but she gave the blonde’s hand a squeeze instead and looked around the crowded living room for Katie, who chatted amiably with a small group at the far end of the room where a glass door opened out to the backyard.

She spotted the couple instantly and practically bounced over to them with a glass of something with a slice of lemon in it.

“Ellen, Hi! Oh my god, I’m so glad you’re here--” Katie kissed Ellen hello, then hesitated a moment before doing the same to Patty, “--Ms. Hewes, so nice to see you again.”

“Patty, please. Happy birthday.”

Ellen watched the awkward exchange and aided by delivering the much sought after gift into Katie’s arms, professionally wrapped in shiny blue and white paper.

“Patty picked it. She thought you would like it.”

“I’m sure I will, thanks! It’s so pretty, I almost don’t want to unwrap it. Listen, there are drinks in the kitchen, Ellen you know where everything is, I’ll take this to the bedroom, it feels heavy and breakable, I don’t want it to become a liability and uh--coats go in the guestroom.”

“Thanks.”

Katie disappeared just as quickly as she had appeared and Patty scanned the room calmly for moment before meeting Ellen’s gaze to share a laugh.

“Drinks?”

“Yes.”

“What do you want?” Ellen asked over her shoulder as Patty followed her into the kitchen, to the large Island counter where a myriad of alcoholic beverages were set up.

“Surprise me.” Patty offered a coy smile.

“Bourbon it is.”

The constant chatter continued on as if behind them rather than all around the pair. They talked easily over the backdrop music, uninterrupted, save for the occasional passerby throwing a hello at Ellen. It was nice, and worth whatever uneasiness had transpired between them before they arrived there.

Leaning in close, Patty touched Ellen’s arm briefly, then fanned the open ends of her coat, revealing the black dress underneath. “It’s a little warm in here, where do we leave our coats?”

“Oh, this way, come with me.”

It seemed so easy now to simply reach for Patty’s hand as Ellen guided her through the house, toward the room farthest away from the ruckus. It seemed to be easier for Patty to be closer as well as she opted to walk beside Ellen now. They couldn’t put it all on the bourbon, because they’d hardly gotten through one glass each. No, bourbon would not take the credit for this. Not when Patty seemed so generous as soon as their coats joined the mountain of jackets already on the bed.

Ellen felt her bottom gently hit a dresser and she smirked against Patty’s lips, breathing out swiftly as Patty kissed her neck and roamed over her torso with cool hands that radiated through Ellen’s shirt.

“Well, this is nice.”

Patty kissed Ellen’s lips once more, lingering there with their mouths barely grazing before Patty pulled back completely, her features soft with ease. Her lips parted as if beginning to say something, when the door opened and they were forced apart by a pair of unsuspecting intruders.

“Parsons! What the hell are you doing here?”

As Patty turned away clean whatever trace of smeared lipstick remained, Ellen quickly recognized one of the men that had just interrupted them as a former law school classmate. “Holy shit, Allen? Hi! Katie’s a friend of mine, what are YOU doing here?”

They hugged for a long time and Allen squeezed Ellen tightly before they pulled back.

“I met Katie at a 5K last month, and it was love at first sight. This is my boyfriend, Mark.”

“So nice to meet you, this is--my girlfriend, Patty--”

“Hello.”

“Oh my god, you’re Patty Hewes.” Allen exclaimed as he shook Patty’s hand and Patty smiled politely while he appreciatively scanned her outfit from earrings to shoes. “It’s such an honor to meet you Ms. Hewes. You should know you’re the Joan Crawford of the gay legal world.” Looking over at Ellen, he winked at her, “Girl, good for you!” And back to Patty, “I didn’t know you were on the DL. My lips are sealed, I promise.”

Patty’s mouth opened, Ellen guessed to say something cruel and lashing, therefore cut her off before she could begin. “Give me your coats and go on out there and get a drink! I told Katie I’d help her clean up in here, we’ll see you out there.”

“All right, we’ll make you ladies a drink. Ms. Hewes, really, really nice to meet you.”

Patty smiled back, waiting for the door to close behind the two men before redirecting her glare at Ellen.

“This is not good, Ellen.”

“What? Why? You think he’s going to ‘out’ you? He’s not going to out you.”

“I’m not comfortable here, I’m going home.”

As Patty rummaged through the pile of coats for her jacket, Ellen couldn’t believe how quickly things could go from one end of the spectrum to the other. Her head was suddenly spinning and for a moment, she had no considered that patty had said she was going home. That ’she’, alone, was going home without Ellen. The bedroom door swung open, filling the space with noise and snapping Ellen back into focus. She followed, quickly on Patty’s heels, through the crowded house until the younger woman found herself chasing her girlfriend up a nice semi-suburban street neither knew very well.

“Patty!” Ellen called after her, giving into a short jog--not easily done in four inch heels--until caught up with Patty’s speedy pace. Reaching out, Ellen caught Patty’s arm and pulled her to a stop, “Hey, talk to me.”

Patty tapped the nail of her thumb against the screen of her phone as she held it at her side and sighed. “You don’t have to leave, you told Katie you’d come--”

“I told Katie WE would come, Patty. Come on, you’re really going to leave because one guy recognized you? He’s not going to drag you out of the closet, he wants to ‘see’ your closet--”

“That’s not funny.”

“What are you afraid will happen? People will know we’re together and then what? Who cares?”

“I care,” Patty replied sternly, her eyes hard, her jaw set as she stared back underneath the blanketing streetlight.

Ellen’s initial attempt at humor dissolved and she felt the anger coil within her against the biting cold that came really late at night. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other and inhaled sharply. “You know, at some point, Patty, you’re going to have give me something more than that. I’m going to need something real.”

“Something real,” The blonde echoed with a mixture of contempt and unintended, unknown pain. She looked at Ellen as if she were giving her everything, her life in a basket, and had been rejected in return. “This isn’t real enough for you?”

Ellen fought the sudden well of emotion currently stuck in her windpipe, swallowed and glanced briefly away before retorting with uncertainty, “Not anymore.”

Patty’s gaze solemnly broke for no more than a second before hardening as it had against Ellen in the past and Ellen could not look again. Because it was both a rejection and a trap, and she needed to hold her resolve now that she had made up her mind.

“I see,” Patty said and quickly finished dialing the number she’d begun to call moments ago, and holding the phone to her ear, her free hand trembling with rage at her side, she rasped, “Go on then, go back to your party. We have nothing left to say to each other.”

“What are you saying? Are you saying that’s it? You’re just going to give up?”

“I am tired of fighting with you, Ellen. Every time a battle ends you want to start a war and I’m not sure I have the energy anymore. I thought things with you would be different.”

Ellen gasped slightly as her eyes watered and her hand flew to her chest as if it held her together. “You mean you thought ‘I’ would be different.”

The line picked up in Patty’s ear and she turned away from Ellen as she spoke into the receiver and requested a car to pick her up at the provided address.

“Patty, are you really doing this now? Here?”

A moment later, Patty turned back around, shivering in her coat with her hands shoved deep in her pockets along with her phone as she shrugged, “Isn’t this what you wanted?”

“I wanted you to TRY and be with me and not give a shit about what anybody thinks. I wanted you to try--I just wanted you to try.”

“You wanted your way, no arguments, no compromising--”

“Well, you of all people should understand that, you do it enough.”

“You want something real, Ellen? This is the most real thing I have ever done in my life. Everything else--everyone else--has been a projector screen where I--I saw my life play out in a way that was acceptable and sufficient enough because I never knew I wanted something more than that. And then you happened. I wasn’t planning on that or what came after. I didn’t know what to call it--I didn’t have a name for it. Suddenly this huge chunk of myself was gravitating towards something--’you’. I had no control of my emotions, I was vulnerable to you and I had no choice. There was nothing I could do--nothing I CAN do. Do you understand what I’m saying? It’s easy for me to give you things, give you gifts, help you with your firm--I can do all of that, but the other things are--difficult for me. You have to understand that I never wanted to give someone everything, and I want to give you everything you want. I’m trying. I don’t want something this personal aired out for the public to entertain themselves with, to have it be the focus of who I am. I’ve worked too hard in my career to build what I have on this persona. And THAT’S real to me. Is that real enough for you?”

Images of her mother, Katie’s talking about holding hands, even David in their happiest moments together and suddenly, Patty staring back her with confusion in the usually composed and set stare made Ellen as unsure as their future suddenly was.

“I--don’t know.”

A town car suddenly rounded the corner from behind Katie’s house and pulled up on the curve. Who knew how long they’d been standing there?

Patty dropped her hands at her sides and shrugged her shoulders, “It looks like you do.”

“Patty,” Ellen tried, choking back tears while Patty walked the few steps to the backdoor of the car and climbed inside , ordering the driver to go in spite of Ellen pleadingly calling her name.

She watched the car go until it disappeared in the distance and Katie came up behind her.

“Ellen? What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“I uh--” Ellen shook her head, wiping away a stray tear as she turned towards the blonde, “--I don’t know. I think we just broke up.”

“Oh, honey--”

Waving her Katie away, Ellen side stepped her and strode determined back towards the house, “Never mind. I want to get drunk.”

Getting drunk however, didn’t quite pan out the way Ellen thought it would. By midnight, she was drunk and by one in the morning, she found herself at a very familiar doorstep, searching the plotted plants and bushes lining the porch for the emergency key. She kicked a large rock that appeared to be fake and came back with a bruised toe.

“Owe!”

The front porch light came on suddenly and the door swung open. “Ellen?”

“Mom? I’m sorry, I couldn’t find the--the--emergency key.”

“Ellen, you have a key.”

“I didn’t remember. Can I stay here tonight? I really don’t want to be alone.”

She stumbled in her heels and just barely made it up the steps to the awaiting arms of her half asleep mother.

“Okay. Come on. Let’s get you up to bed, sweetheart.”

Tripping over her own feet as she made her way through her childhood home from behind a cloudy, thick fog brought on by drinking too much tequila, Ellen allowed her mother to lead her upstairs to her old room with an arm securely around her waist. There was something oddly alarming about being there. She never quite felt at home there and she could never place why, though there was the occasional instance where the absence of her father allowed for much needed relief to the usual Parsons tension. It was unfortunate but very much real and Ellen felt that now as she and her mother walked through Ellen’s former doorway and into the bedroom.

“Where’s dad?”

“He went up to the lake with his friends for the weekend.”

Ellen’s head spun long after she let it fall gently against the pillow and felt nothing but the chill of the unused room even when her mother draped the blue and white comforter over her. She groaned and closed her eyes.

“Shh--” Her mother said and placed a stilling hand on Ellen’s forehead, pushing her hair back and combing her fingers through it soothingly until Ellen stopped stirring. “Sleep now.”

“I’m going to call her tomorrow--” Ellen mumbled as sleep began to creep up on her, limb by limb succumbing to it as seconds ticked by, “--I don’t care if we have to live in a closet. Mom.”

“I know, Elly. Go to sleep.”

“I’m sorry.” Behind her heavy curtain like eye lids, Ellen saw Patty last before the remains of consciousness withered away towards a deep sleep, registering the feather light kiss on her forehead at the very last second before giving in to some much needed stillness.

She didn’t dream much. She didn’t rest much either in fact. At least, she didn’t feel as though she had when she woke up. Her body felt tired and heavy as a pile of bricks, her head spun in the a painful way and when she finally made her way downstairs, the sound of distant, soft laughter and chatting felt like a horn inside her ear and her brain throbbed. Wincing against the brighter light in the kitchen, Ellen pressed the heel of her hand against her temple and groggily registered the man sitting at the breakfast table with her mother and a cup of coffee in his hands.

“Chris?”

Her boyfriend once upon a time was now very much grown, very much back from something evidently serious and very much sitting in her mother’s kitchen, looking at her like they’d gotten caught sneaking booze into Homecoming.

“Hey, Parsons. Rough night?”

“Yeah, kind of.” She practically gravitated towards the steaming pot of coffee on the other end of the kitchen and tellingly eyeballed her mother on the way there.

“I ran into Chris at the pharmacy. He helped me with my bags, isn’t that nice, Elly?”

“Yes,” Ellen nodded, her eyes glued to deliciously smelling coffee she was pouring into a mug, “It was very nice of him.”

Ellen turned around and stood against the counter, mug up to her lips as she stared back in silence, until it effectively inspired Chris to push his chair up to stand.

“Well, Mrs. Parsons, thank you so much for the coffee, it was great. Parsons, good to see you.”

“You, too.” Ellen smiled politely, then proceeded to take a seat at the table while her mother walked Chris to the door.

She turned her wrist up and looked at the time. Patty would be done with Pilates by now. She would probably be at the dog park with Cory.

She felt stupid. Last night, for the briefest of moments, she considered wanting something else. Something other than Patty, something more conventional and acceptable, something her mother would approve of, but sometime between the kitchen doorway and the coffee pot, past the guy she’d cried over once, it all seemed like a farce. It felt ridiculous to Ellen that she’d spent days agonizing over whether or not her relationship with Patty was real enough when it only took a flick of a second to recognize that nothing else could ever be as real.

Drumming her fingers against the table top, she glanced up at her mother as she walked back into the kitchen with a scornful look on her face. Ellen knew that look well. She knew what was coming and she held her hand up to prevent it, “Mom, don’t.”

“You were very rude--”

“I--am not myself, mom. I’m hung-over and tired, it’s a very bad time for a surprise match up. Plus, he’s clearly not interested.”

“Of course he’s interested! Why else would he come here?”

“Well, I’m not interested.”

This silence stretched out between the two women and Ellen could hear the faucet dripping in the background as her mother crossed her arms over her chest and stared carefully at her.

“Why aren’t you interested? Are you seeing someone?”

“I guess I’ll know after tonight.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing.” Ellen smiled back and sighed. “Thanks for letting me stay here last night mom. Sorry I woke you.”

“Whatever the fight was about, I’m sure you’ll figure it out, honey. Whoever the man is that sent you home to your mother last night, I hope he has the sense to make it up to you.”

With a smile that was more saddened than anything else, Ellen slowly stood and walked halfway around the table to kiss her mother’s cheek before turning back towards the stairs, “Thanks, mom. I’m going to go wash up.”

***********************

Being in her right mind, Ellen would have asked the cab driver to take her to her apartment the night before, where she could have slept in the mattress Patty purchased when she started spending the night and Ellen’s old bed didn’t appear to satisfy her slumber necessities. Ellen’s back wouldn’t be sore, she wouldn’t have had to bathe at her mother’s home to wash the smell of rancid alcohol seeping from her pores, and she wouldn’t have had to wear an old pair of jeans that miraculously still fit her and were torn at both knees, and a faded Van Halen tee shirt she wasn’t sure she wasn’t embarrassed about owning. But at least, she was clean when she headed straight for Patty’s apartment and managed to sneak past Barry, just in case Patty wanted nothing to do with her.

She knocked and ran her fingers through her hair one more time, air dried and lacking hair product it had an extra wave to it that was borderline frizz and she hoped it wasn’t too bad.

Patty of course, had time to do everything to her hair, and make up for that matter. She was dressed to go out, in a blue skirt an a white silk top. Ellen felt like an absolute bum standing this close to Patty, smelling like dove body soap when Patty smelled like something expensive and fresh.

“Ellen. What are you doing here?”

“Declarations of love make me want to hurl,” Ellen blurted suddenly and to her surprise, Patty waited for her to continue, “I always ignored the fact that they did. Because men think that’s what women want, and maybe some do, but I don’t. I just thought I did, I thought I wanted a lot of things because other people wanted them for me but I realize now that those things never really made me happy because they were easy to get. I had them, and none of it changed me. What I have with you, whatever it is, has changed me, has remolded me and confused me, and it’s definitely not easy to have. That’s what I want. This is what I want. Something that challenges me and makes me stronger and better. You’re difficult and demanding and emotionally misguided but you make me better, tougher. And I ‘know’ I want you. In every sense of the word. And--as far as declarations of love, this one is pretty disgusting and it’s making me a little sick but it’s what I’ve got. And I’m sorry for pushing you the way I did. It doesn’t matter. None of it. I don’t care how slow we go as long as we--go--” She winced at that, but didn’t miss Patty’s lips twitch in the briefest of smirks.

“Did you pull something saying all of that?” The blonde joked.

“You know, I think I might have. I don’t want things to be over, Patty.”

“They’re not, Ellen.”

Ellen smiled, slowly and widely, and took a tentative step forward. “Were you going out?”

“Just got home, actually,” Patty replied and stepped aside as Ellen walked in and straight through to the living room and Patty finally got a full view of Ellen’s outfit. “What are you WEARING?”

“Oh, you don’t like it?”

“You look fifteen years old in that.”

“Well,” Ellen began stepping closer to the blonde until their lips were only centimeters apart, “I’m not fifteen years old, I promise you.”

To Ellen’s dismay, Patty took a step back, paused, and then strolled all the way into the living room, where she took a seat on the leather couch and draped her arm over the backrest in an almost careless motion.

Ellen followed every movement and waited until Patty seemed settled in before continuing further into the apartment. She winced a little as before stating, matter of fact, “You’re not going to make this easy for me.”

“I just want you to be sure that this is what you really, truly want, Ellen.”

“It is,” Ellen nodded her head and held her arms out before dropping them limply at her sides, “I’m not saying I want to hide this, let’s get that straight. I don’t. But I--I can wait. That’s what I’m saying.”

“Can you?” Patty asked, raising a quizzical glare in Ellen’s direction.

Ellen grew rigid then, hands on her hips as she met Patty’s stare straight on, “Don’t test me, I hate when you do that.”

And then, Patty laughed. She shook her head and laughed, as if she couldn’t understand why Ellen was still standing there. “You really think this is the smart thing to do?”

“Absolutely not,” Ellen replied quickly, “It’s risky, insecure and a complete gamble, but I’ve never backed down from a challenge. And I’m almost positive you are physically incapable of ever doing what you should.”

“I’m not hiding, Ellen, you jus have to let me do this my way, on my own time. The only way to avoid the tabloids is to slip up from underneath them and come out the other side.”

Ellen smiled in spite of herself and nodded in the direction of the empty spot next to Patty. “Can I sit by you?” But she didn’t wait for a reply, she scoot in closely wrapping her arms tightly around Patty’s waist and nuzzled her neck, breathing in deeply before pressing her lips against the exposed skin. “I’m so hungover. I was so drunk I ended up at my parents’ house.”

“That explains the shirt.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“I absolutely hate it.”

“I can take it off.”

“Please do.”

“I’m sorry,” Ellen stated and squeezed a little harder, “I don’t know what came over me. I just--”

“Wanted something normal.”

“No, I think I just--I don’t know what normal is but I’m not it.” She laughed.

“Normal is boring.” Patty said, allowing a moment of comfortable silence before, “Take off your shirt.”

__

_*************************** _

_**Epilogue: Ratty tee-shirt** _

 

It’s Saturday and Ellen has a hard time waking up, because two weeks of sleep deprivation will do that to a person. Not that she isn’t grateful to Patty for all the work she’s been shuffling her way, she’s plenty grateful. In fact, Ellen had offered her thanks to Patty on many occasion on various flat surfaces in her new office.

Still, some sleep feels good and when she peeks at her phone, which sits on the bedside table, she isn’t surprised to learn she’s slept for ten hours. Her muscles feel sore, her stomach feels sour from the insurmountable amount of take out meals she’s consumed and her limbs feel heavy as she pushes herself to sit up in her own bed. She brushes her teeth and showers, and that seems to freshen her up, as if a veil has been lifted and she’s finally aware of her surroundings.

In her bedroom, she grabs a pair of her most comfortable cotton underwear and a silky blue tank top she’s had since college and can’t seem to part with. She also spots an open newspaper laid out on her dresser top and her previously good mood turns slightly darker when she hears the soft tinkling of cabinet doors opening and closing in the kitchen. She turns the large grey page over, covering the candid shot of Patty and herself exiting a restaurant, Ellen’s hand firmly planted on the blonde’s ass in what was a quick pat but appeared to be a good handful in the lucky shot.

Patty is hidden behind the open refrigerator door when Ellen walks into the kitchen and leans casually against the counter.

“It’s a good picture at least.”

Patty’s exploration of Ellen’s fridge halts momentarily before it resumes. “Ellen, you have no edible food here. I hadn’t realized I was sleeping with a frat boy. All you have is Mayo and beer.”

“I can run to the store--”

“I might have found some fruit. No, this is ‘not’ fruit.”

“I know someone at the New York times who can print a retraction.”

Finally making her face visible, Patty stands up straight and rolls her eyes at the younger woman, “I don’t care about that stupid picture.”

“Are you sure?”

“If I wanted it retracted, I would have started with the first two on Page 6. It’s fine. I’ve moved past it. You want to apologize for grabbing my ass in public? Do it with food.” The blonde smiles and closes the refrigerator, revealing a peculiar outfit that causes Ellen’s jaw to drop to the floor instantly.

Patty turns around and strolls toward the kitchen table, in Ellen’s old Van Halen tee shirt, a pair of black underwear, and nothing else.

It isn’t the fact that Patty’s legs are exposed for Ellen’s greedy viewing, of course she’s had the pleasure of seeing the woman in numeral states of undress. It’s the shirt. The much hated shirt.

Reaching across the table toward the fruit bowl to grab an apple pulls the hem a little higher and Ellen gets a fair view of Patty’s ass. She swallows audibly and advances forward.

“I thought you hated my shirt?”

“Hmm?” Patty says innocently as she turns over and then takes a bite of the green apple, “Oh. This. Yes, well, if you can’t beat them--”

“That’s nice. But why are you wearing it?”

“It smells like you,” Patty replies quickly and matter of fact, shrugging a little before she decides she doesn’t want the apple and sets it aside. When she looks back up, Ellen is very close and leaning into her to kiss her neck.

“You look good pant-less in my kitchen,” the brunette states, making a valid point of her statement with a firm grip of Patty’s bottom, squeezing a little as she darts her tongue out to teasingly lick the blonde’s earlobe into her mouth, swiftly, before releasing it.

Patty’s breath begins to grow heavy as Ellen’s hands begin to roam upward, over the well worn cotton, which rides up a little. Patty begins to pull at the hem herself but Ellen quickly stills her hands.

“Leave it on,” the brunette says as her fingertips trail along the waistband of the blonde’s underwear, “I want you wearing it when I make you come.”

“What, again?” Patty says coolly, smirking confidently at Ellen’s reaction.

Glaring a little, and ignoring the shiver down her spine, Ellen kisses Patty, slowly and deeply as she cups the older woman’s breasts in her hands, alternating from palming them firmly and tentatively to grazing the hardened nipples with her thumbs until Patty is panting and pulling Ellen closer, crushing the taller frame to her.

It’s easy to lead Patty around when she’s hazy and wanton like this and it pleases Ellen to hear the surprise in the blonde’s quiet gasp when her back hits the wall. She cups Patty’s crotch, not bothering to get rid of the underwear yet, pressing her fingertips against the soaked cotton, rubbing her slowly and relishing in the way Patty’s hips gyrate against her hand, sighing and moaning softly.

“Isn’t this a better apology than food?” Ellen asks, smiling smugly at the way Patty’s heavy lidded eyes just barely flutter open--the way she nibbles on her bottom lip with a grunt as she squeezes Ellen’s forearm when her hips jut forward in search for firmer pressure.

“I don’t know yet,” Patty replies breathlessly, “Are you done fucking around yet or do I have to do it myself a second time?”

Ellen’s nostrils flare as exhales a little harder, feeling the throbbing between her legs become painful. She pulls Patty’s underwear down with both hands, quickly, more than aware of the desperation in Patty’s movements as she hurries to kick them out of the way, instantly reaching for the back of Ellen’s head to pull her in for a sloppy, wet kiss that she groans against before Ellen replaces her hand between the blonde’s legs and thrusts three fingers knuckle deep inside her, drawing out a deep gasp.

Patty’s chest heaves as she waits as patiently as she can manage for Ellen to move.

It doesn’t take long. Ellen’s strokes are deliberate and calculated. She watches Patty throw her head back against the wall, watches the arch of her neck as she swallows.

Ellen closes her eyes for a moment, bracing herself with one palm flat beside Patty’ s head, aching for her own release but desperate for that wave of pleasure she feels when she gets the blonde to that point, that moment where there is nothing to hold onto anymore except each other. Patty is there soon enough, fisting her hand into Ellen’s camisole at the waist as Ellen finds a nice rhythm where she can use her thumb to stimulate the blonde’s clitoris in equal pace to the trust of her hand.

There’s something different this time, though, something new. Patty’s eyes widen and a single moan falls from her lips before she’s completely silent and she’s forcing the breath out through her mouth. Her entire body seems to shiver before she whimpers, shuts her eyes tightly and along with the familiar spasms, her orgasm trickles down both her thighs and Ellen’s palm.

Patty’s eyes are filled with emotion then, along with shock and complete and utter fascination. Her body quivers for a few more minutes, in which Ellen has to hold most of the blonde’s weight with her available arm wrapped tightly around her waist.

Patty is speechless through the tiny aftershocks that shake her and she closes her eyes against the tears that well up.

It occurs to Ellen then that, that’s probably the first time Patty’s experienced female ejaculation and that makes Ellen feel, first cocky and proud, right before she feels somewhat saddened because Patty does have a couple decades on her. Ellen kisses Patty’s neck, one side, then the other, she kisses her chin and her cheek and gently removes her hand from between the older woman’s legs in favor of holding her with two arms.

Patty hasn’t said a word yet, but Ellen can feel her heart pounding rapidly against her own chest. “You okay?”

“That was new--for me.” Patty says with a sigh, “I didn’t think there was a hell of a lot more left experience to be honest with you.”

Ellen smiles into the woman’s shoulder and then looks up to kiss the tip of her nose, “Well, aren’t you glad you have me, then?”

Patty kisses her, and there is so much in the way she does it, that Ellen has no choice but allow Patty’s hands to direct her. They don’t move from their spot against the wall. She lets Patty turn her over and rests comfortably against Patty’s chest as the blonde easily brings Ellen to release with a few strokes of her middle finger.

They don’t get into semantics about feelings or what things mean, because that’s not how they do things, though Patty is the more emotional of the two whether she’d like to admit or not, instead, Ellen pulls Patty into the shower and as she lathers her short blonde hair with shampoo, she asks if she wants to go out for brunch.

“Sure,” Patty replies with a hum while Ellen massages her scalp with expertise, “Somewhere public.”


End file.
